when it rains it pours

one week of chemo, one week of rest. then a bone marrow biopsy to see how the leukemia reacted to the treatment. everybodys bets were riding on remission. everybody lost. i had planned to find out that i was in remission, meaning there was less than 5% mutated cells in the sample, and that my blood count would go back up, and i would be out of here in 10 days, home, waiting for the bone marrow transplant next month. rather, the leukemia did not respond to the treatment as well as hoped, and i got a couple more weeks-months to be here and deal with this. They want me to rest for the next 5 days or so, get better from this first blast of chemotherapy, and then start a different, higher dosage chemo this weekend for who knows how long, then rest and test again. This was the worst news i could have recieved, based on all of the doctors previous predicitons.

There are many different plans for treatment now, and we are sort of playing it by ear. it all depends on how i respond to this next batch of chemotherapy, and how soon we can find a match for the marrow transplant. i could be in here for another 3 weeks or another 2 months. i am still praying that my sister is a match, she is getting tested tomorrow morning, though we wont know for a couple of weeks, which is also when we will know how the leukemia responded to this 2nd batch of chemo. an ideal situation would be that in 2 weeks i am in remission and that my sister is a match and we could jump straight into the transplant. sure it would be the longest hospital stay (approx 2 months) but we would be on the ball and get it done.

I am trying to keep positive and keep my head up about the situation, but i also have to think about the other possibilities, because they are just that, possible. im worried that the leukemia wont go into remission, that it is too aggressive, im worried that my sister wont be a match and i will have to repeat chemotherapy 86439087630873608653 times, i guess im just worried about waiting. i know that they have a plan of attack, and there really is no option of just giving up. its just my life is in their hands and i have no control. it is scary to think about, and i know i have to stay positive, for the most part i am. Just didnt expect set backs this early.

So im about 17 days deep into this hospital stay. Besides all of the terrible news earlier, my biggest concern of makin it through here is the food. God awful. i cant eat any outside food that isnt factory sealed. no taco bell, no panda, no filet mignon, no pizza. ive been having dreams about food. like really lucid, tasty dreams. I mean, ive got mom goin shoppin for me tomorrow and shes bringing in some goods that will make it better, definetly looking forward to it. ive been craving a tuna samich for the past couple days. just mayo tuna on wheat bread. nothing sounds better right now. im hoping to go out to dinner everyday for a month when i bust out of this joint. enough about food though, just makin my mouth water.